Cause a Bad Apple Can Spoil the Bunch: Here’s a Site to Find the Best

Cause a Bad Apple Can Spoil the Bunch: Here’s a Site to Find the Best

Brian Frange, a seasoned comedian and writer, has built an empire around his passionate discourse on an unlikely topic — apples. His journey into the realm of pomological punditry began in 2016, during his stint with Comedy Central’s Not Safe with Nikki Glaser and as co-host of the Not Safe Podcast. It was at this time that Frange’s vocal advocacy for apples transitioned from a mere pastime to a professional pursuit.

Feature Photo: Courtesy of James Yarema via Unsplash
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Photo: Red Delicious aka "Coffee Grinds in a Leather Glove" courtesy of CostaPPPR via Wikimedia Commons

Venturing further into the digital domain, Frange established “The Appleist,” a Tumblr blog dedicated to reviewing apples. Surprisingly, or perhaps unsurprisingly given his fervor, the blog gained considerable traction, propelling Frange into the spotlight of fruit critique.

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Photo: Gala apple aka "The Inoffensive Mainstay" courtesy of Hubertl via Wikimedia Commons

From humble beginnings on the internet, Frange’s apple-centric antics soon transcended digital confines, gracing stages across the United States and airwaves around the globe. What initially began as a comedic exploration of his fondness for apples blossomed into a lucrative vocation and yielded Apple Rankings. Today, Brian Frange finds himself at the helm of a multimillion-dollar enterprise, earning a staggering “$700,000,000,000 weekly” — a highly contested number provided by Frange — as he dispenses sage advice to affluent fruit enthusiasts.

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Photo: Sundowner (Cripps Red) aka "Pink Lady's Ugly Brother" courtesy of Forest and Kim Starr via Wikimedia Commons

Despite his meteoric rise, Frange adamantly maintains his independence from the influence of “big apple.” His reviews remain steadfastly impartial, untainted by corporate coercion. Here are some of our favorites.

The perfect blend of sweet and tart, this fiery bitch is a headliner at supermarkets worldwide. Not as snappy as you’d like, and dense enough to hammer a nail, this unflappable cart-stopper is a true trailblazer as the first apple name to be awarded a trademark.

But the name “Pink Lady” isn’t just snappy branding. It’s a badge of honor bestowed only upon the worthy. Every year, millions of pitiful Cripps Pink apples desperately cling to the ever-vanishing hope that they would one day ascend past their beggarly form to the vaunted moniker of  “Pink Lady.” But only the true standouts meet this high standard while the undeserving are relegated to the *gag* discount stores. This taxing gauntlet results in a remarkably consistent apple.

Unworthy of the exclamation point that follows this failed magician’s catchphrase of an apple, the Zestar! delivers an underwhelming performance featuring an array of disillusioning tricks that would make a lowly pear seem magical. Be amazed as its leathery skin sloughs off like a sheet covering a tacky stage prop. Let your imagination run wild as its ill-constructed flesh turns to brown mush before your eyes! Sit back in awe as a snappy torrent of juiciness is accompanied by a flavor that disappears in an instant! Did the heretofore promised hint of brown sugar even exist? Who cares? It’s gone now. And all sales are final! But despite conjuring a litany of disappointment, the Zestar! preserved enough redeemable qualities to pull at least one impressive trick out of its sleeve: It sired the otherworldly SweeTango Apple — an astounding feat that justifies a life of sub-optimal wizardry.

The National Apple of Canada, this dense curling stone has the refreshing tart kick of an icy northern winter. Unfortunately, it comes dressed for the cold, with a caribou-skin Inuit parka snuggly protecting the interior of its grainy snow-white flesh. Beware — this tumour-swollen reindeer nose has perhaps the thickest most intractable skin of any apple this side of the Prime Meridian. In fact, in an emergency, the McIntosh apple could be hollowed out and used as a makeshift shelter appropriate for the harshest of arctic storms.

The McIntosh gets a massive branding boost by being the eponymous apple of Macintosh computers. For fans of Apple, this is an egregious misnomer, denigrating a quality product. For Apple haters, the McIntosh apple is a suitable analog for a sub-par computer that fails to impress.

Looking for more juicy apple goodness? Follow Frange on Instagram.

More Local Favorites in the North Bay

Who’s writing these?

Meet our always-hungry team of foodies who compiled this list.
Please let us know if we’ve missed your favorite

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